Ms A 76v

[76v°] understand one thing only: I didn’t have a vocation. Ah! how can I possibly describe the anguish in my soul? It appeared to me (and this is an absurdity which shows it was a temptation from the devil) that if I were to tell my Novice Mistress about these fears, she would prevent me from pronouncing my Vows. ^[5] And still I wanted to do God’s will and return to the world rather than remain in Carmel and do my own will. I made the Mistress come out of the choir and, filled with confusion, I told her the state of my soul. Fortunately, she saw things much clearer than I did, and she completely reassured me. The act of humility I had just performed put the devil to flight since he had ^[10] perhaps thought that I would not dare admit my temptation. My doubts left me completely as soon as I finished speaking; nevertheless, to make my act of humility even more perfect, I still wished to confide my strange temptation to our Mother Prioress, who simply laughed at me.

In the morning of September 8, I felt as though I were flooded with a river of peace, ^[15] and it was in this peace “which surpasses all understanding” that I pronounced my Holy Vows. My union with Jesus was effected not in the midst of thunder and lightning, that is, in extraordinary graces, but in the bosom of a light breeze similar to the one our Father St. Elijah heard on the Mount. What graces I begged for on that day! ^[20] I really felt I was the Queen and so I profited from my title by delivering captives, by obtaining favors from the King for His ungrateful subjects, finally, I wanted to deliver all the souls from purgatory and convert all sinners. I prayed very much for my Mother, my dear Sisters, my whole family, but especially for my poor Father, who was so tried and so saintly. I offered myself to Jesus in order to accomplish His will perfectly in me without creatures ever being able to place any obstacle in the way.

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