Ms A 74v

[74v°] of indispensable things too. And so in this exterior darkness, I was interiorly illumined!

I was taken up, at this time, with a real attraction for objects that were both very ugly and the least convenient. So it was with joy that I saw myself deprived of a pretty little jug in our cell and supplied with another large one, ^[5] all chipped. I was exerting much effort, too, at not excusing myself, which was very difficult for me, especially with our Novice Mistress from whom I didn’t want to hide anything. Here was my first victory, not too great but it cost me a whole lot. A little vase set behind a window was broken, and our Mistress, thinking it was my fault, ^[10] showed it to me and told me to be more careful in future. Without a word, I kissed the floor, promising to be more careful in the future. Because of my lack of virtue these little practices cost me very much and I had to console myself with the thought that at the Last Judgment everything would be revealed. I noticed this: when one performs her duty, never excusing herself, no one ^[15] knows it; on the contrary, imperfections appear immediately.

I applied myself to practicing little virtues, not having the capability of practicing the great. For instance, I loved to fold up the mantles forgotten by the Sisters, and to render them all sorts of little services. Love for mortification was given me, and this love was all the ^[20] greater because I was allowed nothing by way of satisfying it. The only little mortification I was doing while still in the world, which consisted in not leaning my back against any support while seated, was forbidden me because of my inclination to stoop. Alas! my ardor for penances would not have lasted long had the Superiors allowed them. The penances they did allow me consisted in mortifying my self-love, which did me much more good than corporeal penances.

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